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I Hate The Person That I've Become...


 As Salamu-Alaykum, my lovelies!

Sigh, where do I begin?

About a year and a half ago, I went through what was probably the most depressing period of my life. First of all, let me admit that Alhamdulillah, my life so far has been extremely blessed, and I've never really had a reason to complain about anything. Like everyone else, I've had my fair share of ups and downs (e.g. school drama, etc), but no testing hardships, Alhamdulillah.

So what happened 'about a year and a half ago'?

...I met myself for the first time.

I can't remember how exactly it happened. I just remember how one day, I allowed myself to fall so deeply in reflection that when I snapped back to reality, I was scared of and for myself. I don't know how best to describe it, but if there's such a thing as an out-of-body experience, then that's what it felt like. I just didn't know who that girl was.

I thought about the girl I used to be when I was younger. I loved that girl. If I ever have a daughter in the future, I would love for her to be like that younger version of me. Up until that day, I actually thought that I was still that girl. I just couldn't understand how, why or when I had morphed into this new person.

I won't go into details, but the fact of the matter is, I knew who I wanted to be... and the person that I saw on that day was not even close. Not even close. I became completely overwhelmed with myself because I thought; "okay, this is who I am now. I have to live with it. I hate her, but I have to live with it".

It took a while and a lot of soul-searching to convince myself that change was an option (and perhaps a necessity). I made a thorough list of all the things I wanted to achieve, and what I would need to do to get there. Change doesn't happen overnight, and I knew that from the beginning. But this type of change also doesn't happen by itself, so I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.

When I talk about my 'journey', this is basically what I'm referring to. It was a complete overhaul of my priorities, attitude and general outlook on life. Just as an example, tackling pride/conceitedness was definitely on my list. I gave myself small achievable goals so that every month, or every year, or whatever the case may be, I could look back and be proud of some form of progress.

The two most important things that I've learned from this journey, I still carry with me everyday. The first is this;

Wallah, I promise you, there is nothing more important for you than having some time to reflect. Sometimes, you really need to sit down and think about where your life is headed. Don't ever be afraid to be brutally honest with yourself (a friend of mine thought I was exaggerating about my negative qualities, but nobody knows you better than yourself). Life happens much more quickly than you give it credit for, so you have no idea how easily it can whisk you away in the wrong direction. It's almost like driving a car - you have to make conscious decisions to steer and navigate, otherwise you might end up in a complete trainwreck.

The second is a bit of a cliche, but that doesn't make it any less important. It is never too late to change for the better. Anyone who tells you any different is a liar. Tell 'em I said so. If there's anything you don't like about yourself, change it. Love yourself enough to want to be a better you. There's no shame in that. There is no learned habit that can't be unlearned. You just have to find a way to discipline yourself until your new habit becomes as natural as the rest of your personality. You're not perfect, and you never will be... but humans are designed to constantly evolve. Just make sure that when you think about yourself, you are happy with who you are.

Anyway, I try to make time to reflect every day now. You could say that I live more 'consciously'. That auto-pilot life is not for humans, I'll tell you that much. Also, I only surround myself with people who help, inspire or encourage me to be a better person than I was the day before (be it professionally, spiritually, morally etc). I genuinely don't put any energy into any other type of person.

I'm still growing and I'm still learning, but Alhamdulillah, I've never been happier about the person that I'm finally becoming. I also just wanted to add that I'm an extremely private person, so opening up like this is definitely not in my nature (special shout-out to a fellow private blogger Lena... we can do this!).


Has anyone else gone through (or is anyone going through) something similar?
Share your stories, advice or comments below!

As always, I'm at musliminthebigcity@gmail.com if anyone has any private comments or questions.



8 comments:

  1. Such a great post and I praise you for being so honest and sharing this with us. I know I can certainly relate because I went through a very similar experience a year ago. I grew to hate myself because of this monster I had become and I was hurting people around me. I thought that this was me but I realized I was in a bad place and I had to push myself to change. Alhamdulilah things have improved so much since then but I can definitely understand this.
    Thank you for sharing <3
    Jenan

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    1. Salaam Jenan :-)

      Alhamdulillah for growth and wisdom. I shudder to think what kind of people we would end up as if we weren't able to recognize our own flaws and make an effort to rectify them. I'm glad to hear that you battled through this process too - it's a tough journey, but 9 times out of 10, you come out a better person. Thanks for your encouraging words hun... always lovely to hear from you xx

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  2. Bravo for opening up Rukaiya! :) Alhamdulillah you are feeling better and more positive now.I feel like everyone who takes time out to reflect at some point in life feels like this.But as you said,noticing these flaws in ourselves is a blessing from Allah sw to begin with.And change really is the only constant.But we choose which direction we want to go.Jazakillah khyr for sharing hun! :)

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    1. Salaam Maryam,

      Aww shucks...thanks hun :-). This is such a huge (and random) coincidence, but my mum actually says the same exact thing regarding "noticing these flaws in ourselves is a blessing from Allah SWT". Insane, lol! But anyway... I completely agree with you both. I went a good number of years not noticing it at all...and then literally had an epiphany overnight. Alhamdulillah is all there is to say. Thank you so much for reading - your supportive words mean more than you know! xx

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  3. Salam Rukaiya!

    I've been a little absent from the blogging world recently so i just came across your post. I just want to say even though your deep reflection process lead you to realizing that you do not like the person you have become, I still envy your capability to be able to reflect so deeply about yourself. I feel like I lack that very much and I feel like I am constantly waiting around for a "eureka" moment where i am going to wake up and figure out what I have been missing in my life and how I will achieve it. I really related to the part you wrote about wanting to be more like your younger self. I have recently woken up to the fact that I also have lost some great traits I once had. But I think that is part of our road. I dont believe that we will always have our heads on our shoulders, we change because our surroundings change, people in our lives change and as we get older we are exposed to so many new realities. Inshallah all of these changes we experience will eventually lead us to the right path and the path we are destined to take.
    This was a beautiful post and I am so happy to see you writing this. I love that we can turn to each other and support each other with these subjects. I look forward to seeing more posts from you.

    Lena xox

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    1. Salaam Lena!

      In a way, you inspired me to click the "Publish" button on this one. I had the post typed up and everything, but I was a bit reluctant to share to begin with. In the end, I thought "look, what's the worst that could happen?"... and also, I knew I had to take my own advice to you about opening up on the internet, lol. I think supportive people like you will always make opening up worthwhile :-)!

      Your comment makes so.much.sense!! I agree that we wont always have our heads on our shoulders - that actually sounds a bit tiring because truth be told, sometimes we just need to live and enjoy life for what it is. By the same token though, it is also a bit scary. For a control freak like me, I am terrified of not always having my head on my shoulders (unrealistic as it is!). One of my worst fears is to live my life, look back when I'm 90, and hate or regret how I have lived it. As you rightly said, change is constant and depends on a lot of internal and external factors. That's why I believe that one of the best decisions you can make for yourself is to always make sure you have good people around you. Then insha Allah, these people will help influence your change for the better. And when you do start to run off in the wrong direction, they can help to steer you back in.

      I think it's a BIG step that you've realized you've lost some great traits. You've done half the work already. Now its just a matter of whether or not you want those traits back and working hard to get there. I think you've already had your eureka moment! However, I think if you're happy with who you are now, then there is no reason why you have to revert back to that person. You might have been a great person then, but then again you might also be a great person now...just with a different set of qualities. It really just depends on how you feel about the person that you are now, and what kind of person you will grow into tomorrow. Personally, I hated the person I was at the time...so I knew I had no option but to fix the problem :-(

      Thank you so much for reading and for sharing a bit of your own story. It's amazing finding out that other people have similar experiences across various topics. I look forward to reading some more posts from you as well... so don't disappear from the blogging world for too long next time! xx



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  4. Thank you for sharing this with us becaus it's not easy to be open about such things, but hopefully it helped you to get ride of negative thoughts and to move forward. I understand what you're talking about, because I experienced this kind of feeling and I'm experiencing it now too. I think that every breath we take is already a won battle and we have to keep fighting, beacue there's always hope. Indeed we have to work on ourselves and discipline our souls and that's the definition of growing I guess. The dark times we have are the ones which make us stronger depending on how much we try to find the light again. Inshallah we're here as sisters to support each other in times of need. Take care sister xoxo Love you

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    1. Awww...this was so sweet Nahye :-)! Definitely agree with you on that one.. we have to say Alhamdulillah for the hard times because we come out of the other end being much better versions of ourselves. In that sense, it's a good thing that you're currently going through something similar... although I hope you're not going through too much of a rough time. I'm always here if you ever need to discuss anything, and thank you for offering your support as well. Life is tough...we'll all need all the support we can get! Thank you for your lovely comment, made me smile! Lots of love xx

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